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How Much Should I Be Involved in My Child’s College Decision?

There are so many milestones in the parent-child relationship that seem almost impossible to navigate without an emotional outburst or two. One that has lasting consequences is the time when you have to decide: How much should I be involved in my child’s college decision?

It’s a huge moment in both your lives. It involves topics like self-worth, life goals, new-found independence, and money. You have to be involved in the decision for many reasons, not the least of which is that you know what the family can afford. But I recommend that you proceed with caution when you ask yourself how much should I be involved in my child’s college decision?

I’m going to focus on some of the reasons you should hold back. I know it’s hard, but ideally this can be one of the first autonomous decisions your child makes. Think of yourself as the backstage support; let your kid have the lead.

First, listen to your kid!

All opinions should be respected and heard in college discussions. Some of the things your kids say matter to them may drive you insane. My cousin told his mother he wanted to go to Bucknell primarily because the food was so exceptional. You may not think that’s a good reason, but it needs to be heard before it is discarded. One of my kids refused to consider a very generous scholarship offer because the school’s religious affiliation was too prominent for her. Even though I thought she was being overly sensitive to a context that would not matter at all during college, I needed to listen as she explained why that mattered to her.

Ask questions to draw out their feelings and opinions, but be careful. Questions like “why do you want to go to an elitist college?” will backfire. One of my biggest college application tips for parents is to try not to be so judge-y. If you’re concerned that your kid is leaning toward a school for the wrong reason, ask questions that open them up instead of shutting them down. “Tell me about the things that first attracted you to this college instead of that one…” You want to be sure that your child chooses a college that is right for them, not you.

Second, stay calm!

Emotions run high at this time. There are landmines hidden everywhere and you should tread lightly. Your child may still be upset about schools that rejected them, so you need to be the steady, supportive voice, with nice things to say about every college acceptance.

There is also bound to be anxiety about the transition to college — for all of you.  You can try to deflect discussion of topics such as homesickness because they apply to every school on the list. If money is tight, you should acknowledge the stress that causes instead of saying snarky things about expensive schools. Avoid saying things like “X University is out of the question!” Instead try “Let’s talk about what it would require for you to choose X: loans, work study, family sacrifices.” You may feel that your child’s college decision is obvious, but getting into a shouting match about it will backfire.

Third, don’t push too hard!

I’m sure we’ve all run into this since preschool. Anything we push too hard becomes suspicious to our kids. So, hold back when it comes to your child’s college decision!

Your priorities may be different than your child’s. If you push a school because it has what you value most (prestige, scholarships, vocational support), your child may be unable to see any of the school’s other positive attributes because they’re too busy disagreeing with you.

Your alma mater may be in the mix and some parents feel hurt if it isn’t given priority. This was the case in my house. My husband and I both went to Dartmouth and when our daughter was accepted we expected an overjoyed, sure-to-attend response. Instead it took the entire decision month for our daughter to feel okay about following in our footsteps. She wanted to be clear about forging her own path, and every time we pushed, she retreated. Proceed with caution with your child’s college decision!

Fourth, stick to the facts!

Try making lists about each of your child’s college options. Lay out the pros and cons together. Reserve a separate column for matters of opinion or extreme feeling. So “the campus is too far from home” could go in the con column, but “I will cry every day if you move to the other coast” needs to be separated out.

This is the moment for everyone to lay out the facts as they see them. It’s most helpful if you are as positive as possible about each school. Even if College Y has a lower ranking, you might point out the new science building or interesting student organizations. This is where you can subtly insert yourself in your child’s college decision, by citing your perspective on the facts.  You might remind them that a cousin thrived at College Z and benefitted from unique internship opportunities or access to faculty. Be balanced as you help your child identify each school’s strengths and weaknesses.

Every kid is different, of course. Some want more input, and some want less. This is an important milestone and having a real voice in the decision is crucial. If you force a decision on your child, you are likely to have unpleasant consequences. If you drop the ball on these steps, you are in for a rough month as you work through your child’s college decision. When college acceptances come in, our kids consider themselves independent young adults. Their hopes and dreams are wrapped up in this decision, so be nice!